Your Kid Is An Asshole

I'm one of those 30-year-olds that doesn't have children. That's right: another human being has not exited my body through my vagina. I am as selfish as they come and reproducing would completely shatter my amazing life where I mostly worry about going to work, making social plans on weekends, and whipping up Paleo/Primal recipes (more about that later). Sometimes I make time to obsess about why Rigatoni's dipping sauce bowl is still on the counter, slowing drying and crusting up, after 72 hours.

Facebook provides me with lots of opportunities to see what it is like to have children, but without having to deal with them directly. Honestly, I think I have learned more from Facebook about raising children than any book, pediatrician, or wrinkly grandma could ever provide. I have learned if you want to be a superstar parent you should: own a camera whose battery never dies, post insanely positive Facebook messages even when you are covered in poop, exhausted, and want to kill everyone, and stage your child in funny adult situations so you and everyone else can be conviced you have not lost your sense of humor. Timmy put down that beer (hee hee)! You have to do these things otherwise everyone will think you are a bad parent. Especially me.

There are massive amounts of photos, parent-groups, quotes, and "funny" child moments that I get to live through practically first-hand. Little Nikki smeared poo all over the bathroom walls and her face was precious (Awww.) Baby Stephen was using a pair of scissors as a lollipop while playing "drums" with the pots and pans (LOL-Giggles). Toddler Timmy put the family dog's tail in the blender while humming "It's Beginning to look a lot like Christmas" (HOW Cuuuuuuuute).

Wouldn't it be hilarious if I typed exactly what I was thinking under each and every one of these toddler "milestones"? Guess what parents? That's about to happen right fucking now. Nikki will proably end up as a sociopath making weekly trips to the therapist, Stephen will more likely than not be in seventh grade for two years, if not three, and Timmy will without a doubt blow something up, someday. Trust me, this is for your own good that you now are aware of this.

 Let's say, for example, you have reproduced. I already know you hate me: it's okay, I'm not upset. You hate me because I "don't understand" and somewhere between breastfeeding and diaper changes, your perspective has gone missing. You most likely, at some point, had an excellent perspective about other peoples' children, but then: you reproduced. Now, what I say is offensive because "all children are miracles". Maybe you'll find that perspective. Maybe you won't. Either way, you can now thank me for telling you, based on your crazy Facebook photos/updates/comments, how your children will really turn out. And also, your kid is an asshole.

You're welcome.